Who nights

We are waking and sleeping, dreaming and despairing, all in and all without. Who are we? The endless nomadic thoughts take me from one cold endless night to another. What is this with cold nights? They keep me shivering and strangely warm within, the train it rattles the whole night through nameless towns and hills, all I can think of is some fantastical lights , sparkling drops of laughter and my glories. The orange of the sky blending into the ink blue and the grey all around, flying a thousand miles up in the air, and all I want to think of is freedom and love.  Mystical stars and me chasing their twinkles, sitting all alone and still all without and all I can think of is some conversations to shoe the night by. What is it with all that goes on within? All I am thinking of is lying flat in a mountain stream and feel the water submerge me in its coldness. What is it with streams and me? You seem to be in my every dream and yet I can't take a dip in you. Like a thirst I cannot quench any of you, my nights, my dreams, the silhouettes I can never decipher, bring me a drink, for all there is somedays, is an old cask whisky to make me slowly drift away on a boat in the sleepy sunshine of evenings, over the stream in my backyard and stare far into the sky and wonder where are the stars behind the dying rays of sun. What is this in my eye? A longing , a determination, a loneliness and also the love of all I have been given. The warmth of so many who love me, the peace of the nights and the self determined pace of life. But then there are dreams and in those dreams are sunlit streams and there is me finding myself bit by bit in my small hilltown of dreams. And there is those whistles through the trees, calling me deeper into the woods as I dither and vacillate on the edges.

Aching flights of fancy

Listen, I said to no one in particular,
I want to fly down that mountain,
Soar on the wings of my soul and call valleys below names,
Paint some orange on the white floating clouds and make them rain as I go piercing through,
Fall flat into some lake between the mountains and rise frozen phoenix from the waters,
Then sit and wonder about life, my apparent loneliness midst our togetherness,
long nights of restless dreams and fantastical beasts who fail to get me through those  long night chases,
My heartbrokenness amidst the aching love of the mountains, the darkness within amidst the white and greens all around.
Call me names if you must, but don't call me back.

I used to

Yes, I used to dream, many dreams fantastical.

I used to laugh, I used to care and I used to love.

I used to gaze at twinkles, through endless dark nights.

Now on the days when the fog lifts and the moon shines through, reminisce is all I do.

I am the left over from a banquet, stale and foresaken. 

I can't leave and I have overstayed my welcome.

I am the crooked smile in a sea of grimaces.

I am the mad man sulking in the corner, enraged but smiling.

I am the nightmare that ends a night of fitful sleep.

Bright nights, dark truths

He had started to think that he meant to her what she meant to him. But the way this universe works, what they mean to you is never the same as what you mean to them. But why did he forget this everytime. Such and many other questions kept hammering at the edges of his brain, mercilessly beating away at the last vestiges of sanity he was hoping to keep intact. Life had begun to fade, no one really cared, no one really listened, no one wanted him, they all just wanted to use him. Use for their purposes, in the name of various things, in sweet and caring garbs, but nevertheless he was just a useful fool at best. Under the sky full of stars, and a bright big moon, all the beauty of the night could do nothing to distract him from this truth that he could see. As a tear fell from his eye, he knew this life could not be lived anymore than it had already been lived. 

I don't feel any love for anyone anymore. I don't feel the faith in my god's anymore. I dont feel my strength or the will to hang on through to the end anymore. Its all fading, music of life, zest of my youth, flavors of the night, and the freshness of the mornings, it's all fading. Fading into a melanchony, a greyness, numbed with the reality of how no one really cares, all of my years and all of my life, gone without finding anyone who would really care. My mind feels injured, bloodied by the battles it has fought, there is no more blood in it to shed, there is no more fight in it to fight, tired, exhausted, alone, I am looking to give in, and sit and breathe. For a few days, or years or lifetimes maybe just sit and breathe. I want to go away, to a place, where no one knows anyone. Where you get real chances to live, where the pain goes away, someplace far, someplace no one knows, I got to go there and rest. 

Life keeps asking me, oh so you care about this? Sure, I will take that away then, is it my own karma or is this universe run by just a random set of events? Why do I not get a moment of togetherness, a shade of happiness, with those I want to? I got to go, I have waited too long, outlived my welcome, stood too long in the queue, looking for just a morsel of love, a small helping of care, or may be just a little sprinkle of companionship. I got to go now, this banquet is not for me, I feel full without eating. 

There is a place I am told, in between lives, in between the clouds, enveloped by peace, where there is no time and there is no judgement, there is this place I am told, where you could spend more than many lifetimes, I got to get there, I need a map, a plan, an exit.